Honesty; Does it always pay?
March 26, 2008 by Seasons
I thought I had resolved this matter once and for all. It seems that breaking up is never easy.
I had thought about it and was sure of what I would say. I even prepared myself by writing down my points. I know my reason sound frivolous but it is fact that the relationship is heading nowhere and that I don’t feel her that much anymore. Now, that sound pretty easy written down but one can never really say it.
I started by telling her that it was a difficult decision and no one was to be blame and that not all relationships last forever. I went on to tell her that by my evaluation, the relationship did not show the same promise it had in the beginning and something was just not right with it. I also said that I was not willing to work on it and would be best if we go our separate ways.
I am not sure how to deal with tears and am sure most men are with me here. What do you do when a woman cries in this situation? The first instinct is obviously to reach out, hold her and comfort her. Being the reason for the tears, I felt this would be futile and so I walked out of her apartment and drove home. As far as I was concerned, it was over and that was that.
There was no communication for a few days and I was sort of despondent knowing that she was dealing with the hurt. The call came when I was having dinner with my kids and I had to excuse myself from the table. “I called you to tell you that I thought about what you said and my answer is no!” She said. Huh? Whats does she mean her answer is no? Now am totally confused because there was no question asked nor was I asking for permission to break up. I was not expecting any answer.
” What do you mean no?” I asked. “Well, I refuse to be dumped period! I have invested a lot in this relationship, I feel we can work on it and frankly your reasons for breaking up are not genuine” She went on to tell me that if I told her I had met someone new or no longer loved her, she would have accepted it but right now, since these were not the reasons, she will not accept to break up. Remember I was in the middle of dinner, all I said was ” OK, we will talk”
We have talked and it seems we are heading nowhere. I have decided to keep away and make no effort to see her. I have not seen her for two weeks now and my strategy is to let if fade. Unfortunately, it is not in my nature to ignore telephone calls and still want us to be friends post this drama.
I feel that if I had lied and said I met someone new, this would have wrapped up the matter easy and neat. But honesty in this matter made it more complicated.
There is also the sex issue….but that is the subject of another post.
Honestly, I don’t think I can say anything helpful here….
It is not an easy matter to handle…..
Ati NO! I have never thought of that….thats a new one.
hebu watch out you dont acquire a stalker.
H&H, That is a worry… been stalked before and it is scary stuff
I am sure she is mature enough to understand that it is not always about someone new.
That am sure she is…I think she hoped it would be someone else and got surprised it was not
Oh my, oh my…it turned out to be the NO answer? Shame! From my NO answer experience, this is going to be a tough one.
She isn’t mentally ready, wont budge and that’s going to drain you big time.
Am afraid I don’t have the energy to drag this out.
Even if you told a lie it wouldn’t change a thing. In the end, the lets stay friends may not work, you may be driven to say or do some hurtful things you wouldn’t have otherwise said or done just to rid yourself of her. Good luck though!!
Thanks
About wanting to be friends after this, think about it, if you were her, would you want it??(you didn’t tell her “i hope we can be/remain friends” did you?? please say you did not!!)
I did not. That would have been corny.
And about not ignoring her calls, i think thats really nice of you.
Thanks. However, ignoring her calls would really help but am not like that
I feel things her way..I just got ditched hard for ati not being romantic enough…eish some people !
Sorry Dude..I hope you have gotten over it. That romantic thing has not been thrown at me–it is said I thrive in it. Maybe the reason why am in this situation
That looks like a determined to keep you. Stay put on your ground.
She just called me and wants to meet. Iam holding my ground
What is this thing that she lacks? Being a lady I think its not fair for you not to try to work things out. (yes I know life is not fair). How about asking for what you are not getting for a start. then breaking up coz you didn’t get what you wanted.
Guess its all about what you want. All the best.
There is nothing am not getting..in fact am getting more. But I just don’t feel her that much anymore.. it is strange that She does not get it.
I have gotten that response on occasion, however it was information she was receiving not a suggestion. I just let it peter off and avoided her haunts and with time she came to accept that it was over.
I hope so…I truly hope so
Why am I the only one who laughed out loud at her answer …..I am so sorry. … that was not nice of me, but I am still smiling at her answer. Ati refusing to get dumped lol! I swear I am not laughing!
You did what? Imagine its not funny!
Kudos for being honest and hope that the despondency is on its way out.Bet you feel free!
I was hoping to but am not feeling freee
Me thinks that there is no way you can still be pally pals with her right now. She is hurt and she has every right to be. You cannot and should not feel guilty. It was not meant to be. That is the way life is. You were honest with her (so good karma will come your way). .
I hope so Mrembo..I really hope so
Move on and perhaps with time things will be easier for her perhaps not,
but you my friend should not SHOULD NOT feel bad beyond the normal feeling bad. ok?
Its kinda funny that she semad no.. if she refuses kabisa and the fading thing doesn’t work.. Just pull a reverse on her : make her dump you! Problem solved!
The only way she will dump me is if I become an arsehole…I could be that by making her really mad or a stupid move like sleeping with her friend..possibilities yes but am not like that.
wewe, wewe, wewe, saying “I am just not feeling you” is like telling your maths teacher- “you just didn’t do the maths homework he gave you- and you are not willing to do detention either”.
Whoosh! Thats cold..but thats exactly how I feel
Honesty always pays.But human beings when faced with something uncomfortable will deny or be in denial for a long time. So if this lady has seen nothing wrong with the relationship, if for her things were going the way they should go—-she is possibly in shock, a “hala , where has this come from moment!?!” and if there were never any tell-tale signs and there isn’t another girl-I can understand why she would want to talk.But that “I refuse to be dumped” is CLASS.
Maybe I was good at not showing how exactly I feel..
All the best. And stick with the honesty- you will sleep better.
Thanks
I have to admit that I admire her balls (pardon the pun) for saying NO! I’ve never heard of that before
I think that the fact that you’re not replacing her with someone new communicates to her something devastating: it means that she is so bad to be with that for you, having nothing is better than being with her….Thats harsh to kubali.
Now THAT is a different perspective! You do have a point.Oh my I never looked at it that way.
I don’t think you should aim for friendship after the breakup. I”m a fan of a clean break in this situation. There are plenty of other women out there who want friendship. I don’t think this one is appropriate.
Besides, if you don’t want a relationship with her and you only want friendship that means that your evaluation of her sexual performance is what you found lacking. Just think about it….
By the way, the sex was the best thing about the relationship! I wish I can have her just for that. Alas, that does not work..or does it? That is the subject of the post that is cooking.
That brings up all sorts of body self esteem issues…… Her seeing you often as a friend is always going to bring up those issues for her.
And while I’m being a psychoanalyst here, let me venture to guess that the reason the relationship fizzled for you because she gave it up too soon and too much of it. She wasn’t a challenge. Whatever you wanted, she gave. And that got boring. Am I close?
You are quite close on the challenge issue… the relationship is too predictable and I seem to get away with anything obviously apart form leaving her.
ok, it’s good to know that i’m not the only one who laughed out loud when i read that her answer was no. i was going to feel guilty for admitting it until i saw i wasn’t the only only one who had that reaction.
You are not alone on your reaction to her NO answer. I admit it was funny to hear it at first.
that said, i can totally understand where she is coming from. if there is no one else and you didn’t tell her you fell out of love with her what she hears is that she isn’t good enough and she has to prove that she is to you and herself. it’s a bit of a shock and maybe she just needs time to put things into perspective and move on.
She is good enough for another man!
i also fall into the trap of let’s still hang out and be friends and it doesn’t always work that way all the time. especially not so soon. what works for me is changing the dude’s name in my phone directory to ‘DO NOT ANSWER’ as a reminder (or delete their number and mark their e-mail as spam) but that’s just me. i agree with what other people said, don’t pick up her phone calls, don’t meet with her don’t do anything until she gets that you really were breaking up with her. soon she will stop trying to fix things and accept the breaking up and when she gets over it and she isn’t bitter maybe, just maybe you can be friends.
Cold turkey on a relationship does work but we relate on other fronts too.
until then, i will try and keep my amusement at a minimum since things are thick and you are all perturbed and stuff …
You are funny..enjoying my discomfort huh?
The fact that she refuses to be dumped is a little scary. I watched “Vanilla Sky” the other night and when Tom Cruise tried to get rid of Cameron Diaz she killed him..she lured him into her car and drove it off a bridge. I know this is a little extreme but you need to let her know it is indeed over and hope she does not stalk you. I can’t believe how much that movie freaked me out..LOL!!
Thank God she does not have that psycho streak in her..or does she?
Oh Kay - I fell under the category of ‘laughing at the ‘NO’ - I already know I am going to hell, just adding points to it
Sorry
Having said that, I am the least possible person to give relationship advice, so I am just reading other people’s comments and either nodding or going ‘What?’
The only thing I know that works for me when I face difficult decisions/situations is a change of scenery - especially travelling to a new place for a couple of days/weeks - removing self from comfort zone - breaks the mold. Try it.
All the best though.
You will realize by this blog that I travel quite a bit. She is sort of used to it. As it is, am on my way to Hong Kong for a week and a welcome break on this end
You were right to be honest with your feelings, If indeed you feel that the relationship is not right then there is no need to pretend about it and you don’t have to get nasty either. I think if you stick to your guns eventually she will realize that there is no going back.
Being friends after a break up is not very easy I would recommend being just being civil and polite.
Nothing works like resilience.. I guess it will be a case of who gives in first. BTW where have you been? No update at your spot for over a month!
Y’know, like FG I don’t feel like there’s anything that I could say that’d be helpful. Then again, I tend to be over-passionate bout certain things so I might go overboard on this one. I choose to desist. All the best …Tihiiihiii…ati she refuses to be dumped…funnneeee….. :-))
Good luck all the same
W’sup Jade,
Keep laughing at my dilemma..you will come for advise when the time comes
That No brought images of Donald Trump telling one of the unfortunate recruits “You are fired” who then proceeds to say, “No!”
It did make my day. No am not enjoying your suffering but I have nothing of substance to add in form of advice only that honesty does pay, not instantly though.
Y’all are comimg thru with quotes huh? I like “honesty does pay, not instantly though”
Pole dude! Can’t believe anyone laughed at the “no” ans. Maybe because I went thru hell with a dude who “refused” to get dumped, he’d follow me everywhere the spooky thing is I didnt know he was following me until it stopped making sense how he’d find me in places that i never went to. He once found me at naivasha country club it was my first time there, and some how mid way through dinner we receive a bottle of wine that i like and then later the bastard appears and uses “fancy meeting u here” btw i got to hear that line a million times when he’d “bump” into me. It was terrifying that my mom insisted and took me to the cop station to report it. Get this its not a crime to stalk they call it follow someone in this country, the cops didnt understand why i wasn’t flattered.
Out of the blue he stopped and i’ve never seen him again. its been almost 5 yrs now. lengaing his calls didnt work he started using strange numbers.
I think you should put off meeting to “talk” as much as your able to unless ofcourse she camps at ur hse or off. It may be a case of injured pride plus a broken heart. Now she has something to prove to herself she needs to feel worthy of love so it may not be you per se she’s going for but probably trying to soothe the injured pride and broken heart. hopefully she’ll come to terms with it sooner rather than later. honesty was good though I think you should have been more creative(sorry i know your hurting). Now everytime she goes home she remembers you standing/seating there breaking up with her. So the anger piles up as does the resolve to make the pain stop thats probably why she’s calling and saying absurd stuff like “no”!!
All the best.
Hi Serah,
That stalker story is and although I feel I know her enough to imagine she is not that pyscho. Her strategy is different; she is hanging around my pals especially my closest buddy’s girlfriend.
okay, ana’a honest dude among us…
honesty/the truth hurts both ways. enyewe, she would have accepted the “met with someone else” excuse easily coz she’d have someone to blame, you. but now she can’t blame you. hence the ‘no’. she doesn’t know what to do. and it hurts you too coz it’s not you to hurt some other person, and she’s hurt (though for all the right reason)
lakini, bottom-line, if it don’t work, it don’t work, and at least you know you did the right thing. so be easy, give it time…
haiya, even me, i’ve gone over….
Ati “NO”…..damn!
If you are going round in circles ‘when you talk’ and you have decided to let it fade….then stick by your guns and let it fade.
Eventually, she will get the message and move on.
At least you have been honest with her and in my opinion as a chic, she was in a ‘comfort zone’ in this relationship. The task of her having to find someone else as nice, etc. as you scared her. Back to square one was not an option for her.
Good luck.
p.s. when are you kujaing this sides? You still owe me dinner (your company at least).
Remember some post a while back about women who meet a man and by the end of the first date have planned the wedding, children etc etc. Allow me to hazard a guess, she thought you were the one. I think if you keep your distance it should be okay. I find that being friends with an ex comes after a while, when the wounds are no longer bleeding.
I hate to agree..but you could be right. I think She had me planned out from the beginning.
You did right by being honest.
Thanks
Honesty, goodness, virtue… all that mess doesn’t pay. Maybe in a parallel universe, not in this one. One need only look around the country/world to see the truth of this statement. But not all is doom or gloom. Didn’t it give you a warm fuzzy feeling inside to be honest? That’s very possibly the only prize one gets
You did the right thing by being honest. But the minute a women gives you the “goods” in the context of a relationship and you renege on the deal without a good enough reason, be ready…
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