Labels: Relationships ambiguity
April 14, 2008 by Seasons
This post has been in my drafts since September 2007. This lady never forgets and keeps reminding me that I promised to post it. I find that the post does not hold the same meaning now. At the time of writing it, it was in the early part of this relationship and was relevant. So, 3OTC here you are.
Women like defining things and usually require clarity in relationships. I ( and I believe most guys) typically prefer to hold off defining things. Part of this, I believe is evolutionary with the woman needing the security of one man to be the father of her children, and the man wanting to spread his seed wherever possible.
I have in recent times been floating in relationship ambiguity and I don’t wish to be cooped in a corner trying to box myself into a dating label like boyfriend. For this to make sense, I probably need to explain myself. As a follow up to this story, I find that slowly, I am being labeled her boyfriend by those around her and I don’t believe I am.
We went out on a couple get-to-know-each-other dates,flirted on texts messages,talked a lot on the phone, eventually slept together, and I even stayed over at her place an entire weekend. I figure that we’re now seeing each other, but not necessarily dating because there we haven’t had any talk of emotional commitment.
I was introduced to a bunch of her friends and before we left to meet them, she wanted to know how she should introduce me. I joked that after ‘knowing me’ during the night, she should know how to introduce me. Although, I expected it to be by name, She introduced me as her boyfriend. Ala?! When did I move to being labelled?
I have always detested labels, Whether they define relationships, personal acheivements, beliefs, or whatever. I’ve learned that labels lead to all sorts of expectations and pre-conceived notions. And labels can rob an individual of his/her uniqueness or force a relationship to comply with certain standards. I know that I am a stronger person when I don’t rely on labels to define me.
Labels such as my job title, ethnicity,my physical size , my relationship status or something as simple as the “label” on my suit do not define who I am. I see many people who use designer labels to help establish a sense of identity and status. I get indignant when someone treats me different after seeing my business card. I’m just me and I’m fluid and I change as I go through life and experience different things.
Back to romantic relationships, I think the first six months of a relationship should float in ambiguity and couples need not attach labels to themselves. The fact that people have slept together is no reason to call themselves lovers as that depicts some form of permanency. My experience in this particular relationship tells me that the labels tend to come from a womans need for exclusivity( Another post cooking).
Why do we need to define things in such strict terms like boyfriend, girlfriend, partner, lovers etc? Cant we just float in between and wait a while for definitions to emerge as they usually do?
I think it sometimes takes an introduction to know whats cutting then the labels spill out. I always introduce someone by name figure if we have something most people can tell by how we relate if not still okay.
In some cases i think its best to define things such as if its a friends with benefits arrangement or i would like to see how this goes so that the expectations are realistic. That way one can leave if they feel they are not okay with the offer at hand.
Thats the problem with men! You dont want to be refered to as the boyfriend coz you want to have your cake and eat it.Would you rather be introduced as ”my convinient f partner”?. I would also introduce you as my boyfie esp to my friends so that they can keep off.
Hmmmm..make sense but do you realise that your pals are likely to be more attracted to me if they figure you are hooked to my vibe? I find that to be the case..
By the way, incase I have not mentioned it, I do look forward to your posts.
Thanks..I aim to please especially my blogroll..and you are in it. I keep lurking around your spot too.
On to business, ati what? You don’t want labels( I agree with your point of view on all the other aspects of labels with exception to relationships).. what about if YOU are feeling her sana as in this time you are the one who has caught feelings for her strong and hard, she is the ideal woman and you are only 3 months into the relationship… eh he?
You will realise am more expressive than most dudes..so Iam likely to tell her from day one how I feel…but I will not label her girlfriend unless am sure of reciprocal feelings
In my case I found it to be that I was not “feeling” that person very much. My heart was not yet and no where near being “lost” to that person hence my hesitation at being introduced as “girlfriend”.
I agree with Gish and Wange about it being a sign of “keep off, Mine only”.
And also when you are in this interesting place of no labels are people allowed to “see” others and not place labels.. just asking?
Yap! I dont ask for exclusivity unless I can deliver it..
I can see things are getting hot in here! Face it dude, you are now the boyfriend, you have been boxed, labelled and put aside!
Aco,
Karibu..take a seat and watch this unfold..its been a minute. I agree I was boxed, after all most chicks know before we do ama?
the ‘girlfriend’ label makes a girl feel special. and yes, exclusivity is a feel-good factor. there’s a double standard at work here, since a guy can safely drift from ambiguity to ambiguity, but if a girl did the six-month-float three or four times, she’d be labelled easy or worse, a slut. it’s not really fair.
Life is not fair..especially on these matters.. I would not call it double standards though..as I said, it is evolutionary.
of course in this case you were not her boyfriend since you had not had ‘the talk’, but your ‘joke’ was misinterpreted, frankly i’d have taken your comment the same way she did. call it martian vs venetian communication.
Plus, chips beba or not, the average woman still has more emotional attachment to sex than the average guy, so that weekend at her place would be pretty significant in her perspective [and mine too]. It’s the intimacy factor.
I guess that was error number 1. LOL on Chips beba
besides, lots of guys have many ‘girlfriends’ who all feel exclusive. see, biologically we’re all fixed. men will spread thir oats but still want a ‘nice’ girl to marry. so then all the ‘floating six month girls’ will miss out.
i think u never wanted her as your girl, just as your FWB, or to be more crass, f*** buddy. coz in the post u linked to this, u now don’t feel her anymore. i think maybe u never did, u just liked her talents. that’s not a bad thing, as long as it’s a clear, mutual agreement, like Gish says. You yourself admit we like clarity. Some girls don’t mind being f-buddies. as long as they know that’s what they are.
I actually did feel her but feelings do change and especially when you eventually find incompatibility on fundamental issues Isnt also possible that I just didnt know how I felt even though I was sexually attracted to her?
so since you saw her as that and she didn’t, that’s why she said her answer was no [snigger, i feel her pain, but that was funny. it's like an anti-'opting out' thing.]
this post does clear up a lot about male thought pattern, lol, so thanks
[sorry to blog in your comment space though]
Blog away in my spot..I tend to do the same at your place too
Hmmmm,
haki I have commented and deleted enough times…. shows how I have no idea what I feel about labels! Wacha I just lurk around and see what peeps say
wewe, I will be back. The samaki on my plate is yelling my name.
And thanks for FINALLY posting this, yaawa I was abot o send an SOS.
Atii labels nini……wacha I will be back
Notice just how many guys have left a comment and how many girls! mmhhh.
I really anikad myself on this one huh? Guys have left me to fry…
Okay, I hear you on everything about the labels but the relationship bit. Yes, you are not what you wear, eat, work bla bla,bla. YOU ARE NOT THAT. But unfortunately when they say “first impressions count” they do sadly.They shouldn’t but they do.So whereas that person in that designer suit might be wearing it to “show off”, another may be wearing it because it makes THEM feel good and had nothing to do with what they want people to think about them. Others may do it to be accepted-to fit in. and many other reasons.
Kwanza,Clarity is required in relationships otherwise you end up in a place called “boundaries have been crossed.”
Where does the “I do not want to be placed in a corner by being called a boyfriend come from? How now? Sii by the time you are sleeping over for a whole weekend- sii that is a corner,HER CORNER. Kwani you thought you were house warming ama?
Now we are making sex more than it is.. the fact that I spent the weekend at her crib is not a big deal..we were both in need.
Alaafu, how do you tell the chick, “after knowing me last nite you should know how to introduce me” and then she unleashed, “he is my boyfie” and you are shocked. Kwani what did you expect her to say? INFACT, let me go as far as saying, “you are the one who indirectly told her to say that.”.If you had just told her in black and white- this is how I want you do to it, use my name. No-one would have been shocked.
Okay okay..that was a bad joke I admit
And surely there must have been a bit of you that thought “we are exclusive”- otherwise what were you breaking up?(when you broke up).Ama you break up with friends?
I think you’all are forgetting that this post was before we started dating( IMO) and it is published after breaking up. Hindsight is an exact science.
Sijamaliza.
And also the fact that she introduced you to her friends as her boyfriend (IN YOUR PRESENCE) means she was sure that is what it was. Did you correct her after that, yes in private? If not- ebu nyamaza now, now.
Oh…trust me… I did tell her that I don’t consider myself her boyfriend..the question she asked me was..’who declares when we start dating?’
You know the sleeping together bit- for me just can not be taken lightly. Unless you are going to tell every person you sleep with, “by the way- this means nothing. so twende”.You are not dealing with just you but another person’s physical, mental and emotional wellbeing. Either you are on the same page with that person or let that person be. See, one day you may meet someone who thinks “sex is NOT just sex” and yet for you “sex might just be that- sex”.
Lets be real here… men are physical, women are emotional.. you can publish a billboard telling her that this just about sex but she will somehow make it emotional and eventually the question will come..’what about US?’
Okay, I am tired of thinking. I know why I am struggling with commenting- and you would not think that would you.I have a different take on guys.
No guys text me, no guys ring me “just because”, kwanza if I get a text from a guy that I interprete as flirting- we are going to war kabisa.I don’t get kisses on the cheek from guys ( and the Spanish guys I work with have learnt to leave me alone) take your “mate” that way, sitaki. So for any guy who crosses the barrier of “are we more than just friends with me”- oh you best believe we are having “that talk”- where are we going?, why, how yaada yaada. And I am proud to say 30 years of my life and only two guys can say we have had that emotional talk. And two for me is becoming a BIG number.
Ngai…..you are haaaarrrrd…. only two?
Yaani, this post has been a long time coming and now it is here. I am wanting to say so much and yet have nothing to say. English is hard.
Did I say thanks for posting. Asante.
I aim to please…….
Hey man,
I don’t want to interfere with your biashara and all…….you have to place a label on a situation. You have to describe it.
There is the technical description of something and the emotion associated with the term. At the very least you have to technically describe something.
If for no other reason, just so you have boundaries around the way you will treat each other. If you simply leave the relationship as an ambiguous, fluid thing then she is just as likely to go into your wallet and spend your money as she is to make out with another man in front of you.
Save her the pain of confusion and hurt in future bwana. Keep it real, tell her what’s up!
At the time I wrote this post, I knew I liked her, I was physically attracted to her but did not know where that would lead…but if you tell a chile that, it will be interpreted, boxed and labeled..
My 0.02 before reading your other posts.
Karibu
I would agree with you, much to the chagrin of the the i am sure absolutely gorgeous young lasses here, hey, lets get to know each other for a while first before we have the talk, check whether machinery is well oiled, can it work and whatnot, test drive so to speak. [makes for the hills in a barrage of assorted household items and several sharp and not so sharp pieces of cutlery]
Hear hear
hehehe, so I came back to check on MY POST.Yes, it is mine, kwani who asked for it? eh, I rest my case.
I really wanted to see a guys take on this. Now not you- other guys. And I think they are sitting on the sidelines like Aco said, waiting for you to be hammered hehehehehehehehehehe.
So I have decided to understand your not wanting to be labelled- and I had to work on this one. So here is the other side of my coin- tell the lady that you are not looking to be labelled.Yes, she may walk away lakini you know where you stand from the get go. Where “get go” is not the first couple of times you meet- what you called the “get to know each other” stage.And let her know she is on probation for six months coz truthfully she is and well, agree that you should be also.
The main reason relationships get ugly, are hard bla bla bla- is not enough communication and in some cases just ommission of the WHOLE TRUTH . We really need to stop second guessing each other.
So here is a question, a guy and girl are hanging out, yes, they exchange texts and all those “lovely dovey nothings”- the guy wants to sleep with the girl, girl says bila-guy declares to his friends- “there is something wrong with that girl” HALLO!!!!!!!!!
Okay really let me go do something else, I am having many women are from Moab and men are from sijui where moments.
Harakisha with the next post. Otherwise I will keep leaving mini-posts here.
I think with the mini posts left here I have nothing to add but ebu wait…
Is it true that guys know they want to marry a chic on their first meeting? Two guys I know told me they decided on meeting the chic and they’re now married.
hmmmmm..it is possible that when you are looking for someone to marry that your antennae is up for some certain characteristics… I would hesitate to say always..a clande can turn out to be a wife!
Oh my question is not just directed to seasons. Jamaaz please tell us what you think ‘kafadhali’
Am glad it is not directed to me only….ok majamaa.. over to you
Sometimes its good we lie there between but for some may not understand why they cant label you. Bottom line lets define the relationship before we label.
Thats the problem right there… defining it. Why do you need to define it?
for clarity!!!
you need to define a relationship, ANY relationship so that both parties can be clear about where they are. its human nature. and plus to give both partners a chance to decide whether thats the kind of relationship they both want at that moment. kama kawaida, jama’s think selfishly. imagine if the shoe was in the other foot??
Sasa Mso,
How can you define something you are not sure of? If I tell you that all I want right now is sex and we will see where that leads..I will remain on the B-train.
ala??? where’s my comment??
Up there…
She must have known that you are a rare gem and that’s why there is no hesitation on her labeling you!
A reverse compliments that I will take with both hands..maybe maybe
so your saying its better to lie??
Not lie…. withhold the truth
ok am a chille but 100% with you.
Finally…a chille who does..
Six months kwanza then the state of the relationship will describe itself. But you know what?The “after knowing me last night” thing spoilt it all.Si you calculate maneno kwanza?!!… I stand beaten and corrected..BUT.. Guys have two heads and they both do not work at the same time if you get my drift..
It was sometime back maybe leo you have learnt ama?
We learn everyday..dont we? Now I know what not to do next time.
woi. lovely post and quite, i must say, needed. so thanks 3TOC for insisting he writes and thanks seasons for obliging.
my two (poor) cents is, chicks are quick to get things going (about labeling and all) yet guys take time, like a train or a 504 to catch speed and get onto the same page…like 31337 said, and kiasi i agree, it’s a guy thing to check and hakikisha everything will work out in all areas before we accept thaaat label.
So before any labels are thrown around, let’s be sure where we are headed, lets be sure i feel you and i’m sure you feel me.
kwanza these days labels are thrown loosely…
Modo..you are truly my guy!! tell them tell them!
FG, that one is ngumu to answer, ati ‘marriage at first sight’? not for me.
am confused!!
we both enjoy each other’s company (i think), we spend nights and weekends with each other, we hang out alot, and yet, i should not ‘call/label’ you as something/someone in my life?? is this what you guys are saying??
Maybe what we mean is do like we do… we call them by their names! Guys don’t label chiles until they are sure whats up.
are you (guys) just objecting to being called ‘boyfriend’, ama its all ‘labels’, even, ‘the guy am seeing’, ‘FWB’, na kathalika??
I think the problem is that there’s no word suitable for usage in polite company to describe your lover in Kenyan circles (you can hardly say this is the dude I told y’all about, or my ‘takeaway’ etc etc).
and took matters into her own hands to declare you her boyfriend 
So, it’s either boyfriend (with many levels, kinda like Manager…there is the general manager, the acting manager, the junior manager, the senior manager, the managing director…but in conversation they are all labelled as managers)…or plain ‘friend’ (which suggests no interest, no involvement, i.e. fair game.
Even if you’re just lovers some people might kinda want exclusivity in your ‘un-relationship’. Maybe it was just her way of saying you were both ‘temporarily unavailable for exclusive dating of others’.
…you ended up sorta her boyfriend afterwards right? maybe she was onto something. Maybe she fell head over heels in love with you, DID think you were boyfriend-girlfriend already, read your ‘joke’ about her knowing you as ‘gentlemanliness/shyness’ on your part not to ‘presume’ that you are her boyfriend
I did end up being the boyfie and man..what a ride!
Good post, as usual! Farmgal asked
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Is it true that guys know they want to marry a chic on their first meeting? Two guys I know told me they decided on meeting the chic and they’re now married.
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I agree with Seasons, my antennae was up for certain “Priority” characteristics, which I saw in the first few dates with my lady-now-wife. Later dates were “getting to know” situations, but my mind was maybe 80% made up within the first few dates.
You also said
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How can you define something you are not sure of? If I tell you that all I want right now is sex and we will see where that leads..I will remain on the B-train.
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Not lie…. withhold the truth
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Chief, unfortunately here’s where many chiles differ from guys. “Withhold the truth”, in their view, is very close to deception. Or at least both live in the same slimy neighborhood
. If the withholding is done *only* because you want to jump off the B-train, at least wear a padded suit and helmet. It’s going to be a bumpy ride 
.
Consider sex as that point in time when you let go of the B-train. And the point which you cross from friend to boyfriend, unless otherwise stated. Their “default” is different from ours.
I agree and thanks for breaking it down so well. At least now I know am not alone… dudes deserted me to face the wrath alone.
I am guilty of hiding as 3TOC said I was here before any comments were posted and promptly kept off in the background.
I don’t take labels lightly and don’t agree with rushing to put labels too soon even the pet names (sweetie, honey etc) have to wait till I’m sure that the relationship is certain.
You are on point… those terms of endearment come way too early… and whats with the latest one..Boo!!!
Pole seasons for leaving you to roast but as you point out most of us guys are not as expressive as you therefore back to the shadows to lurk!
And here was I thinking…here comes Kirima to save my sorry a@#$!
You wrote:
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I agree and thanks for breaking it down so well. At least now I know am not alone… dudes deserted me to face the wrath alone.
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Luckily my RSS reader defaulted to your feed, otherwise I would have read this post next month
. I don’t think most dudes deserted you, it’s just that figuring out most womens’ “default” is like chasing a mirage 
. I prefer communication, it may be less “romantic” but has fewer headaches.
This is kind of a sensitive topic.
I understand why you were apprehensive about being introduced as her boyfriend, yet you never talked about that part of your relationship.
In my opinion….we are all ‘labels’ when it comes to identifing each other in relationships. Mother-in-law, girlfriend, fiance, widow, etc. whether we like it or not.
I too have been in a situation where I didn’t know how to intro a jamaa to my pals coz we didnt talk about it. When I made an intro error….it bit me in the backside and I took that to my next relationship. From the onset….I laid my cards on the table and anything after that was smooth sailing. At least both parties knew what the deal was.
Wacha I bakisha some discussion for when we dine at The Ritz….LOL!!!
FG….your swali is kinda right. Ebu ask Mr Mocha! next time you see him.
As for clarifing what you are not sure of and you are sexually involved……sema kama ni rubs tuu etc. Kwani? At least the mami will nyita the deal from step one!
The key to all relationships…..COMMUNICATION!!!
Looks like I have set up camp here….wacha I bounce!
I see I missed this party.
“”Cant we just float in between and wait a while for definitions to emerge as they usually do?”"
The answer to this question is NO.
Am speaking for many when I say I like clarity everywhere. Just imagine being told to start working without a clear job description and information on your benefits being held back, how does that feel for ambiguity?
I know it is an analogy that is quite off and the situation is not the same, you do not have your feelings on the line at work etc but that is why you are told there is a 3 month probation after which your are confirmed a bona fide employee.
And just so you know in girl-speak even if I introduced the jamaa by name without the bf bit thrown in, the looks we exchange say it all. Probably everyone had been texted and told the way the weekend was and with who so there.
very interesting blog and refreshing!